Once upon a time…
Yesterday, I heard a sermon in which the Pastor taught about channeling negative thinking and focusing on positive outcomes and results. I could not help but think about my daily struggles in law school. The pastor stated that the best way to deter negative thinking is to use my imagination. I guess after 3 final exams and 10 grulling hours, I hope that this semester will be greater than last and that my greatness will prevail on paper. I feel conflicted when I take tests because I am forced to conform to an age old, crazy way of testing knowledge when I know what I’m capable of beyond a classroom and a test. I know that this is the process, but it is my hope that although my beginning was rocky, my ending will should and display god in totality. I pray that people will see that without him I am nothing. Heavy weight is placed on grades, but it is my hope that I can get beyond grades & excel. I know in the end everything that I am going through will pay off. I just need to get through this middle passage and then I can live HAPPILY EVER AFTER!
School has been challenging and intense this semester. The hardest thing that I have to still get through is the fact that my grandmother is no longer here. Some days I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that she is now an angel. I miss her so much some days. My heart is still trying to process everything that has happened.
This semester has been filled with days when I wanted to give up, give in, crack, break, throw in the towel and just merely walk away from everything. I have been stressed & annoyed as well. However, as long as God is getting glory, I am on course. This journey is not for the faint-hearted or weary. It takes a true relationship with God to know that he is so real. God is truly my source.
There are days when I want to cry but I can’t because he is holding me together when I want to just fall apart. I know understand the phrase “things fall apart.” Although they fall apart, they also always work out for His GOOD, and there is purpose behind the process.
Thank you for being Lord of my life, and knowing me fully inside & out. God I pray that you continue to let my light shine so that this world will know you & not me.
God you know my desires and at this phase & juncture in my life while in school I desire to excel in my classes. It is my prayer that although i am at the bottom now that you will give me the strength, favor, and focus to develop greater discipline. I desire to graduate law school with honors. Although, my grades don’t reflect the best of me, I know that you can take any negative & make it a positive. Lord help me be better in work and in every other juncture of my life. I can do nothing without you, but all things are possible with you. God I need your power, strength, fortitude, and grace to help me. This school year was one of the most challenging ever. Please favor me. I know that I am great and can do 10 times better. Help me be the best Nia that I can possibly be.
Lord, thank you for leading & blessing my life. Thank you for being my father & creator. You give me everything I need and more. I thank you that in exactly 30 days, I will be embarking on a journey to S.Africa. I look forward to using that time to just continue to strengthen my walk. I love you and I thank you. Thank you for all of my heart’s desires that you know about before I even utter them. But, more than things I thank you for just being amazing & lord. I am honored & grateful.
People should have standards and never waiver from what they truly want and desire. It is disappointing to see the people whom I sincerely love settle. I am not in a relationship and have never been truly in love with anyone. Although, it is challenging to sometimes restrict myself, I know that I can not settle for second best when God has called me to have the very best. Sometimes life requires us to learn patience. God allows us to have mediocrity when we take it upon ourselves to settle for less. But, when we are determined and have an attitude to win and have the best we will. I want God’s absolute best for my life and I want the people i love to have the same. All I want is God’s best for me & them. I pray that God moves in their lives in a way that they will see that it pays to wait on him.
I am a couple weeks away of completing my first year of law school. However, the is a doubt and emptiness that I sometimes feel. It is not necessarily that I question my abilities, but I wonder why many of the things that I am learning do not come naturally(especially since this is what I was born to do. I know that this process is arduous, but I sometimes wonder why I just don’t get what others do. It is hard to be in a community, and still be rejected. I sometimes I wonder where I will end up but for now I guess I must continue to embrace the process and trust the man upstairs. I just feel out of place at times.
Sometimes I sit and marvel about all that I see around me. The abundance that is before me, but God knows in reality that my heart is sometimes heavy because I desire a help meet on this journey. I look at those around me and I celebrate their relationships. But, I truly sometimes long for true intimacy and companionship. I desire something genuine, authentic, and pure.
I will never forget one of my mentor’s telling me that I may have to wait it out a little while before my portion comes along. I appreciate the process although waiting is not always easy. There are days when the reality is i just want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be alright and to encourage and nurture me. I am secure in who I am. I embrace my spirituality, but truthfully my humanity is so real. Sometimes the journey is lonely, but I am assured this won’t last always.
my thoughts and emotions.
I feel peace and sorrow. I’m happy yet sad. Last Thursday, 3.28.13 I lost one of my best friends, confidents, mentors, and the matriarch of my family: my grandmother. She lived 86 joyous and wonderful years. I know she is at peace, but I miss coming home and telling her about my day while we are cooking or watering flowers. I miss her giving me wisdom or sitting up late nights talking to me about life and listening to me rant about school or work. I miss her telling me that all things are possible and sitting with her light shining bright and her reading her word, and talking about God’s grace, mercy, and goodness. I know God needed his angel, but I miss that angel. Her spirit lit our family, and she was a light for the world to see God. She was the epitome of God’s love, grace, and mercy. She had a close walk with him, and I’m grateful that she had such an intimate relationship with him and she knew him for herself. I admire her walk and the true woman that she was. She was great from the inside out. I pray that God continues to give me her strength, and wisdom. I pray that God helps me to love and care for the least and the lost the way she did. I love you Nana. I know you are watching me, and I want you to know that I love soooooooooooooooooooo very much. You are my phenomenal woman.