See I am tired of the lies and the bullshit that I am fed on a regular basis by the so-called educated, the elitist is what I choose to call them
I never asked for them for a handout or anything of the like. Surely, just for a hand up I still have to pay my way.
I am encouraged daily to play the game and assimilate into a culture and cycle that neglects my humanity and denies my femininity. I am told to bite the bullet and pay my dues forgetting purpose to chase money, like a 2 dollar trick.
Yes, this is the bullshit, I am referring to. No, I never aspired to be that angry black women or to hold grudges. But, I am tired of being in a space where I scream for help, and I’m voiceless and my hands are tied, and I am held up with a gun to my back.
I look out and all is see and feel is darkness. In a sea of no’s, I look back at myself, as if I am the foe. I look at myself and wonder how did I get in this space, where I am forced to constantly be on my face, seeking the creator.
Because, I must confess that I need context and a greater understanding of purpose to navigate this mess. I have no desire to feel this way. But, I must shake this feeling and press forward.
I know that the end of the story is more significant than the beginning. This journey I travel is a lonely and dark. The higher I go, the colder it gets. But, I understand that I travel this road, the one less traveled, not for me but for the legacy that I am destined to leave. I travel this road for the many individuals, who look like me, who have lost faith and hope in this life; those who are searching for authenticity; those who need to regain focus; and for those seeking purpose.
This road was not designed yet destined for me. I will navigate it until the end of time and until I am called on to my next assignment. Yes, this is the road, I must sojourn.
This week has truly been one of the most challenging and defeating weeks that I have experienced in a while. For some odd reason, I just felt at the low. I experienced a range of emotions from defeat to depression. This week, I questioned my purpose, seemed to have lost my passion, and feel disoriented. I need a fresh wind and source of inspiration. I’m grateful for where I am, but I would be lying to say that I don’t wrestle often with my gift. I wrestle daily with this assignment that I have been given. I am eternally grateful, but I need additional strength. I must continue to remember that in weakness, he is strong and he will continue to keep me.
Detail of ‘Styx’ #4
I am eternally grateful, although sometimes i whine, complain, and appear ungrateful. I am in a space that many endeavor to be in. I am in a phenomenal space that allows me to truly work my purpose. I just sometimes wish things were different and that I was in a different position. i sometimes wish i was in another city, I had a business at this point, received a higher gross income, or even had a higher ranking in my class. But, I am so grateful to my creator for allowing me to be in this space.
I definitely don’t deserve to be here. I don’t deserve many of the blessings that I’ve received. I don’t even deserve to be in law school or studying to be a lawyer. It is my prayer that I continue to work hard to get to my dreams. I am prayerful that I operate with greater discipline and a higher level of responsibility and accountability in this season. I need to sharpen my skills and be harder on myself to work my purpose at a greater level.
Lord, I need nothing else but you. All I ask in this season is that you give me greater faith to trust you for all of the that I don’t understand. Help me to trust you fully. I LOVE YOU WITH ALL THAT IS WITHIN ME. In this season, please let things be different. Fix anything that you see wrong, and make me ten times better. I declare & decree in this space that I will, I win, and it will work.
Through the Fire!
It is sometimes difficult to admit that’s every season is not ours. Truthfully, we know that things change, and that we will not always get what we desire. However, accepting rejection is not always easy. Hearing “No” can be a hard pill to swallow, and accepting the fact that sometimes we just don’t fit in is not comfortable, but necessary for growth.
I am coming to the realization that I was never created to merely assimilate or just get by, but I was created to thrive. My purpose is to help others get to there purpose, but this journey is far from easy some days. I hate failing and not being accepted, appreciated, respected or even heard. I sometimes feel rejected, alone, isolated as if I’m navigating in a cold world. I’m reminded that this is often how Jesus felt during his journey in the world, nevertheless his prayed, “not my will, but thy will be done.” When going through the fire, it is sometimes difficult to remember this prayer. No matter how hard things can be, I must remember that all things work together for those who believe, and who are called according to his purpose. I believe that everything that God has in store for me will work and prosper. I must just stay the course and simply believe.
With that being said, no every season is not mine best. But, I’m grateful in spite, and it will rejoice with those that rejoice. I will continue to trust and believe God at his word, that truly all things will work out for my good because I’m following his plan.
I’m learning to be content, even when I’m uncomfortable.
Today would have been your 87th birthday. Although, I miss you like crazy, I will always make sure that you legacy lives on. I hope to make you proud in all that I do, and in who I am becoming. All of who I am I owe to you. I am eternally grateful for you life. I pray that you continue to be my angel, my guiding light, my silent giant, & strength. Thanks for being my earthly rock and I pray that you would now be my heavenly angel. Thank you for all that you were and your greatness. I’m grateful.